Yoga saved my life!
A few months ago I found myself in a position where I had unknowingly wrapped my self worth up in another person. I let the opinion of another person change who I was. I was so wrapped up in this other person that when they walked out of my life I didn't know how to function in every day life. I fell so low and so depressed I unfortunately was only seeing one way out, that was not life.
I had been told so many negative things about myself by this person, I felt ashamed of who I was as a person. While I realize I have flaws as everyone does, I always strive to be a better person so pointing out some flaws can be appreciated, however this person went so far to tell me they wished my eyes were a different color. Eye color is something that can not be changed, that's just the tip of the things that were pointed out to me. I was told that I was "too skinny" and "too healthy" amongst many other things. After being told these things, I felt so lost, so low, so depressed everyday life became almost unbearable.
I had fallen so low, I lost all self confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. I would lay in bed and think how I couldn't go on with life, I didn't see the point in living anymore. I was so overwhelmed that even putting my shoes on in the morning seemed like the most difficult task. I remember a time in particular when I had gotten my laundry out of the dryer, laid it on my bed and started bawling, just looking at all that needed to be put up stressed me to no end. I found myself at a point where I was so anxious I was unable to eat, that alone would upset me because I had already been told I was too skinny, the thought of dropping more weight (which I did) terrified me. When I finally did start eating, I was eating the most processed unhealthy things, I was scared to be "too healthy" and I was desperately trying to pack weight back on for the approval of this person and everyone around me.
I showed up to work one morning in late August at 6am, I had barely made it there as at that point I hadn't eaten or slept in days, I was having nightmares about all the ways I should change to please this other person and tearing myself down even more. I walked in to work, tears streaming down my face all the while desperately trying to hide it, the last thing I wanted was to draw attention to myself. A lady I had known for several years pulled me aside, not asking too many questions she told me she could help me. I went to her house 2 days later, where she introduced me to EFT (emotional freedom technique) which is a form of acupressure, it helps take the negative thoughts out of your subconscious and put positive thoughts in. She is also an herbalist, that day she sent me home with a plethora of herbs and after the EFT I truly felt like I could take on the world! I went home that night and ate for the first time in weeks, had a good nights rest, unfortunately 3 days later I crashed hard and found myself even lower than before. I continued doing the EFT as well as taking the herbs on my own and meeting with her every two weeks.
I tried to make an appointment with my therapist, however she was booked for 3 weeks. I started reaching out to some close friends, this depression was not subsiding. Finally some people talked me into anti-depressants. I took them one night to no avail. I had horrible side effects, my skin crawled and it amplified my already high anxiety. I believe this was my lowest point, I called my Mom bawling early one morning and proceeded to tell her, I was so depressed I was barely functioning and I was scared. She amongst others talked me through it and offered support. I was finally able to get into therapy, I show up bawling as usual. At this point it seemed I couldn't make it through one day without crying, not necessarily over that person who walked out of my life, but crying because I felt so worthless and unworthy. My therapist diagnosed me with severe clinical depression, both my therapist and my herbalist told me I needed synthetic drugs. I made a trip back to the Dr. for a new kind of anti-depressant, again that night the side effects came. I had a talk with my Daddy, several talks actually, he kept preaching mind over matter. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking synthetic drugs when they are needed, I did not want to take them, I wanted to get through it on my own. I could not justify being Organic Girl in the City and taking pills, it's not who I am.
I had always been intrigued by yoga, but never done it. In the midst of my battle of depression this amazing woman makes an appointment with me at work, somehow she starts telling me about yoga and how much it changed her. She told me people often bust into tears during class because they are holding in their issues and yoga helps you let go of those things. I was very interested, I knew I had to let go of the negative thoughts in my mind as well as the past with that person. I watched a documentary titled 'Yoga Is', and knew I needed to give it a try. I looked online and found the perfect studio that had beginners classes.
During my first yoga class, I almost cried tears of joy. Everything the instructor was saying hit home, after class I asked her if it was true that yoga helps you to let go of things, she assured me I was at the right place to let things go. After my second class she pulled me aside and asked me what was going on in my personal life, as she is a counselor on the side and really wanted to help. I told her, and she mad me feel so much better, she shed light on the situation that no one else had. She assured me that those negative thoughts and feelings I was holding in simply were not true, that they needed to be let go of. I have been going to yoga for a little over a month now and have never felt better. I started for the spiritual benefits of the practice, but in the meantime my body is toning up, I am become more balanced, and strong inside as well as out.
In the small amount of time I have been doing yoga I have learned so much! I have learned that it is okay to have faults, to fail and to show vulnerability, in fact if more people were honest about their faults and failures the world would be more peaceful. I have learned that I don't need another person to tell me my self worth. It is okay to be unique and different, no matter what always stay true to yourself.
For everything that person put me through, I know I am not innocent, I said some inappropriate things along the way, I can admit that. I have evolved from the situation, hopefully that person is taking their time to grow and evolve as a person as well. Because of yoga, I stand before you a stronger person than I have ever been, I have been able to forgive that person, and also forgive myself enough to move on. I am no longer depressed, my self-confidence is higher than before, my self-esteem is rising, I am happier than I have been in quite a while. Two months ago life didn't seem worth living, and now I look forward to waking up every morning, especially on yoga days!
If you are finding yourself in a depressed state, I promise it does get better, sit tight, stay positive and wait for your future to unfold. I am at a point of forgiveness with my for lack of a better word "nemesis" in fact I am almost at a point of thankfulness, if none of this happened, I would have never discovered yoga, I am a completely different person than I was even 6 months ago, more relaxed and at peace than I have ever been. I now know it is okay to be me, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, only what I think of me.
I leave you with a quote on the wall at the yoga studio:
"Yoga is NOT about being bendy..... It's about showing up to your mat consistently without knowing what is going to happen and being okay with that. It's about rehabilitating yourself and not believing the 'experts' when they say you are too injured or too old. It's about believing you can do anything even if it's the most scariest impossible thing you could ever dream of. It's about uncovering who you really are. It's about being kind to yourself so you can be kind to others. Yoga is about discovering that most of the crazy thoughts in your head are not true. It's about being healthy without pushing yourself to the limit. It's about slowing down to get strong. It's about breathing, and moving, and smiling on the inside. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best."
